Tips on Life in Small Bites

Forgiveness Outline: What is Forgiveness What Forgiveness is NOT Why Should One Forgive God’s Forgiveness Toward Us Our Forgiveness Toward Ourselves How To Forgive Reaping the Rewards of Forgiveness What is Forgiveness Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the debt others owe us for the hurt/harm they’ve incurred in us. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is needful when others have intentionally hurt us. Forgiveness is needful when others have unintentionally hurt us through their neglect, abandonment, inattentiveness, ignorance, or cluelessness.  What Forgiveness is Not Forgiveness is not denying the wrong done to us.  Forgiveness is not making okay what was done or not done to (should have been done for) us. Forgiveness is not allowing the aggressor to continue to hurt us. Forgiveness is not forgetfulness: As we forgive our aggressors, we need to remember how they are so we can adjust our expectations and be wise to protect ourselves as needed. Why Should One...

Languages of Apology Outline: Definition of Apology The Analogy of the Two Blindfolds Apology of Impact Vs Intent Five Languages of Apology Expressive vs Receptive Apology Languages How to Encourage Apology from Others Forgiveness is Not Necessarily Forgetfulness Set Realistic Expectations of Apology from Others Speak Others’ Languages of Apology Definition of Apology   Acknowledgement and expression of regret, repentance or remorse for having caused someone’s hurt or harm. “Hurting people hurt people:” When we’ve been hurt, we end up hurting others through the Defense Mechanism of Displacement - Redirecting one’s hurt from a person and “taking it out” on another person.  This can be done intentionally or unconsciously. The Analogy of the Two Blindfolds Two people were told by a facilitator to take turn going into a room while blindfolded and feel what’s in the middle of the room.  The first person went in and felt what was in the room and said it was a tree trunk, becaus...

What Love Looks Like Outline: Expressions/Experiences of Love: Affective; Intentional Love as a Verb Love is a Choice Affective Love “Affect” here refers to one’s emotional experience of one’s feelings. While all four loves (Storge, Philia, Eros & Agape) can be experienced this way, this is where Storge love is more “felt” – the affection one feels for another. (View blog post on  "The Four Loves" for further elaboration on this. ) Some adjectives for this felt love are: Tenderness, gentleness, warmth, closeness, enjoyment, belonging, intimacy, satiation, connectedness, contentment, well-being. Intentional Love Intentional love is being thoughtful: Taking time to study and know the object of our love. Intentional love is being considerate: Choosing to put aside our own conveniences and desires to yield to the other. Intentional love is choosing the good of the other over our own desires, wants and conveniences. Love as a Verb Our love is usually experienced by others thr...

Stay in Our Lane   Introduction: I usually do not appreciate having any sort of restraints on my life. The double yellow lines on the road feel restrictive on one-lane country roads when there’s a slow-moving vehicle in front of me. Traveling at high speed on those one-lane roads, I know that disregarding the double yellow lines on the road to pass a slow-moving vehicle could be dangerous. I am constantly looking for the dotted yellow line on my side of the lane, so I could quickly and safely speed up and pass the slow car. “Stay in your own lane” has been an often-quoted phrase for quite a few years now. At the time, I understood it to mean that we need to mind our own business and not get overly involved in others’ affairs.  However, as I was driving on the Skyline Drive this past week in dense fog, I gained a new understanding and appreciation of this phrase. The roads were windy, and over 1,000 feet in elevation. At times, the visibility in this fog was less than 50 feet, ...

Coping/Defense Mechanisms ( Part 1 of 2) Outline: Coping/Defense Mechanisms: Definition Function of Coping Mechanisms List of Coping Mechanisms Embracing Our Coping Mechanisms Definition: Coping/Defense Mechanisms are our ways of managing stress, anxiety, or negative emotions. It could be a conscious choice on how to manage these emotions, or it could be unconscious. When it is conscious, we are actively choosing an action/behavior to help us manage/deal with these emotions. When it’s unconscious, we find ourselves thinking/acting/behaving in certain ways and might be surprised by them. Function of Coping Mechanisms Our way to survive/adapt to our mental/emotional/interpersonal stimuli/“environment.” Our psyche cannot take too much stress/negative stimuli, as they could overwhelm our “system,” so our unconscious/subconscious kicks in, without our full (conscious) knowledge, to help us manage the situation. When it is conscious, then it’s our way of choosing what we want to do with the ...

Coping/Defense Mechanisms (Part 2 of 2): When and How to Change Coping Mechanisms Outline: • Healthy Coping Mechanisms • Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms • When to Consider Changing Them • Practical Tools on Changing Coping/Defense Mechanisms Healthy Coping Mechanisms Any Coping Mechanism that works to relieve us of our stress without causing harm to ourselves or others, is a healthy one. We sometimes just need to cope the best we can at the moment. Some examples of a healthy Coping Mechanism can be: Avoidance; Denial; Fantasy; Humor; Idealization; Intellectualization; Magical/Wishful Thinking; Minimizing/Trivializing; Numbing; Rationalization; Reaction Formation; Sublimation; and Suppression.  The KEY here is that these mechanisms are temporary – Just to get us through the moment. Any of them being always used in all situations, could backfire on us. Coping/Defense Mechanisms can be “neutral,” and not be categorized as either healthy or unhealthy: It depends on what’s happening...

Setting Realistic Expectations Outline: Expectations – What Are They Expectations Toward Ourselves Transference Expectations Toward Others Expectations Toward God Expectations Toward Life Others’ Expectations Toward Us How to Manage Expectations  Setting Realistic Expectations Expectations – What Are They Definition: The act or state of looking forward or anticipating. (Dictionary.com) Our World View sets up our expectations toward life. Our expectations come from our life experiences. We all have expectations toward ourselves, toward others, toward life and toward God. We sometimes are not aware of our expectations and find we have them, after we become disappointed or upset with an unexpected outcome. We do not have the right to make others meet our expectations when our expectations have not been verbalized, discussed, and agreed upon with the other. We have no control over anyone else and only have control over our own expectations. Being aware of our expectations gives us powe...