Tips on Life in Small Bites

Setting Realistic Expectations

Outline:

Expectations – What Are They

Definition: The act or state of looking forward or anticipating. (Dictionary.com)
Our World View sets up our expectations toward life.
Our expectations come from our life experiences.
We all have expectations toward ourselves, toward others, toward life and toward God.
We sometimes are not aware of our expectations and find we have them, after we become disappointed or upset with an unexpected outcome.
We do not have the right to make others meet our expectations when our expectations have not been verbalized, discussed, and agreed upon with the other.
We have no control over anyone else and only have control over our own expectations.
Being aware of our expectations gives us power/control over our own mental and interpersonal health and mindset.

Expectations Toward Ourselves

Expectations toward ourselves is a confluence of our emotional, experiential, interpersonal, cultural, societal and upbringing experiences, as well as our convictions and values.
They are what we were “taught” explicitly – what others verbally said to us; and implicitly – what we’ve observed and taken on as “norms/values.”

Transference

Projection onto another person, one’s unresolved issues with someone from our past.
There are four aspects of Transference: 1) How one feels toward oneself; 2) How one felt toward one’s primary caretaker (usually the parent who attended to one’s physical needs as an infant); 3) How one’s primary caretaker felt toward the person; 4) How one wishes their primary caretaker would have felt toward them.
We see most people through our transferences: Especially with people with whom we have initial strong feelings/reactions toward.
It is hard for us to see others for whom they really are, as a result.

Expectations Toward Others

Sometimes, we have wishes and hopes that we hold consciously (as well as unconsciously – through transference), for others to meet.
Without realizing it, we can project onto others our expectations toward ourselves, assuming others would do/be what we would do/behave.
We realize that we have unmet expectations when we find ourselves disappointed with another.

Expectations Toward God

We usually view God (and other authority figures) through the lens of our transference: We see God according to how we experienced our parents.
We project onto God what we wish our life would turn out and are disappointed when God doesn’t meet our idealized expectations.
We tend not to see God for Whom He really is, rather, what we wish for Him to be. That’s why, studying God’s words is very important – for us to truly know Who God is, and have appropriate/ realistic expectations toward Him.

Expectations Toward Life

We tend to see life through the lens of our past experiences.
We project our past life’s experiences onto what we think our life will turn out: Expecting both the good and the bad experiences to “continue/repeat itself in theme” throughout our life (Core Belief).
We also expect life to turn out according to what we were taught by our parents, other authority figures as well as from societal norms and what we view from media.

Others’ Expectations Toward Us

Different relationships have their own sets of expectations, and some fundamental expectations are to be accepted and need to be met: Significant others expect us to stay faithful to them, not abuse them, not throw them "under the bus," keep their confidence, etc; Parents expect us to obey and comply with their request for us to study and work hard at school, pick up after ourselves, participate in doing chores around the house and helping out with our siblings, being respectful toward them, etc...
Sometimes, our parents’ expectations are too high/stringent/unrealistic/exacting. We need to decipher which ones are reasonable and which ones are over-the-top/not healthy for us to comply with.

How to Manage Expectations

Decipher which expectation are realistic and manageable and discard/not agree with the unrealistic ones.
Set our boundaries to know where we end and where the other starts.
Manage our own feelings of guilt when we don’t meet the other’s expectations: “Guilt” is a mask for anger (anger toward the person for having their expectations of us).
Each person is responsible for their own expectations. Just because someone has expectations toward us, it does not necessarily mean that we are to meet their expectations: It’s NOT when someone says, “jump,” we say, “how high?”
When a person’s expectations toward us are over the top - while we cannot control their expectations - we can choose to set healthy boundaries on which expectations to meet and which ones to not meet.
At all cost, avoid resentment” is a good motto to live by.
It is better in the long run, to disappoint someone in the moment, than to comply to one’s wishes and then resent them afterwards - as resentment tears at the fabric of any relationship.

Setting Realistic Expectations

Unless an expectation is: 1) Clearly communicated, 2) Realistic, and 3) Agreed upon, we do not need to “meet” the expectation.
Narcissistic Defense” is while we think we are protecting the other person from our negative feelings, we are actually protecting ourselves from their response to our negative feelings: We don’t want to “hurt” someone by sharing how we didn’t like what they said/did to us, so we don’t share it. It is actually us protecting ourselves from their negative reaction to hearing our feelings toward them.
Be brave and choose to protect the relationship by agreeing with realistic expectations and saying NO to unrealistic ones.
When we twist ourselves into a pretzel in order to meet the other’s request, we are actually trying to control their feelings: Not wanting them to feel bad. Each person is entitled to feel however they feel and ought to be respected and be given the room to feel how they feel.
Being able to say No as well as saying Yes to realistic expectations protects the relationship and keeps it healthy.