Coping/Defense Mechanisms (Part 2 of 2):

When and How to Change Coping Mechanisms

Outline:

• Healthy Coping Mechanisms

• Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

• When to Consider Changing Them

• Practical Tools on Changing Coping/Defense Mechanisms

Healthy Coping Mechanisms

• Any Coping Mechanism that works to relieve us of our stress without causing harm to ourselves or others, is a healthy one.
• We sometimes just need to cope the best we can at the moment.
• Some examples of a healthy Coping Mechanism can be: Avoidance; Denial; Fantasy; Humor; Idealization; Intellectualization; Magical/Wishful Thinking; Minimizing/Trivializing; Numbing; Rationalization; Reaction Formation; Sublimation; and Suppression. 
• The KEY here is that these mechanisms are temporary – Just to get us through the moment. Any of them being always used in all situations, could backfire on us.

Coping/Defense Mechanisms can be “neutral,” and not be categorized as either healthy or unhealthy: It depends on what’s happening at the moment and how long we continue to utilize them.

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

• Any Coping Mechanism that can cause us or others harm in the moment and/or in the long run.
• Using these Coping Mechanisms despite their harm to us, to others, or in our relationships with others in the present or the long run.
• While some of these Coping Mechanisms can help get us out of a jam at the moment, the continual use of them can be more harmful/unhelpful than good.
• Some of these unhealthy Coping Mechanisms can be: Acting Out; Devaluation; Displacement; Dissociation; Externalization; Forecasting/Script Writing; Obsession; Passive Aggression; Projections; Regression; Repetition Compulsion; Repression; Resignation; Sabotage/Self-Defeat; Self-fulfilling Prophecy; Somatization/Conversion; Splitting; Trivializing/Minimizing.

When to Consider Changing Them

• As long as our coping mechanisms work for us, keep using them: “If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it.”
• Different coping mechanisms are helpful at different times/stages/seasons of our lives.
• When our coping backfires on us, it’s time to replace it with something else: The example of the two Doberman Pinchers vs two Poodles…What worked back then can harm us now…

The Example of the Two Doberman Pinchers (Adapted from “The Group Therapy Experience” by Louis Ormont):

A scrawny kid grew up in the South Bronx back in 1970’s where there was a lot of crime. He constantly got bullied and mugged and was afraid of going to the corner store. His apartment was burglarized multiple times. One day, his mother got him two Doberman Pinchers. As long as he had these dogs with him, he felt safe, as no one would dare to approach him with the Doberman Pinchers by his side. The boy then was able to go to the corner store to buy milk for his family. Their apartment no longer was burglarized as the dogs would bark and the would-be burglars would run off after hearing and seeing these dogs. The boy grew up only feeling safe if these Doberman Pinchers were by his side. 

As an adult, this person became a successful CEO of a company. But he still only felt safe if he had Doberman Pinchers with him. He lived in a penthouse with his Doberman Pinchers. One day, he had a heart attack while in his penthouse. He called his concierge downstairs to get the EMS to his apartment. EMS workers were unable to enter his penthouse because the Doberman Pinchers wouldn’t allow anyone to come into the apartment. The guy died from his heart attack. 

The moral of the story is that what might have worked for us in the past can now backfire on us. The guy would have done better to exchange his Doberman Pinchers for poodles when he was no longer living in a dangerous environment.

Practical Tools on Changing Coping/Defense Mechanisms

Adrenaline is locked in our muscles when we are stressed/anxious/fearful/worried, etc.

Ways to Release Stress in Our Bodies:

• Have a GOOD cry: Sob, let it all out.
• Have a rip-roaring, belly-full laugh.
• Do something physically taxing – until our limbs feel wobbly: Clean furiously (not slamming things) - just use our muscles to do a deep clean; Do a strenuous workout – our arms and legs feel wobbly afterward, like lifting heavy weights or use a stair climbing machine or go rock climbing.
• Quick physical ways to get rid of adrenaline: Alternating between tightening and relaxing your limbs and face exaggeratedly; Flail/do air punches with your arms as you run up and down sets of steps until your limbs feel wobbly.
• Tensing and releasing of muscles exercises: https://youtu.be/kdLTOurs2lA?si=cke45uufq4npU0zD
• “Dissipation of Anger Exercise” – The idea is to feel our anger and then to get rid of it, not by suppressing or repressing it. Imagine surreal ways of hurting someone physically. These are our imaginations; we do not go into action with these imaginations. When they are surreal, we wouldn’t be able to see them come to fruition in real life so we wouldn’t have to feel guilty if something physically bad does happen to the person we’re angry with. Be creative and do so viscerally, and quickly - and look for the signs of limbs feeling wobbly as a way of getting rid of the anger.  

Determining Which Coping/Defense Mechanisms to Use at the Moment:

• Whenever there is stress or perceived stress, our sub/unconscious kicks in Coping/Defense Mechanisms on their own automatically. Once we recognize/identify which Coping/Defense Mechanisms are at play at the moment, we are bringing them into the conscious – which we can now have control over.
• We can:
• PAUSE. 
• Step back.
• Take a deep breath.
• Identify the Coping/Defense Mechanism at work.
• Determine the effectiveness of the Coping/Defense Mechanism at work at the moment.
• If the present Coping/Defense Mechanism is not helpful for us or for others, we CHOOSE to replace it with something that would be more fitting for the moment.

• We recognize and embrace our feelings and possibly the origins of these familiar feelings.
• And despite them, we choose to act constructively.
• We can do so by talking to ourselves and comforting ourselves that “This too, shall pass.”
• Sometimes we just accept the Coping/Defense Mechanism at work at the moment, knowing that it is the best we can do, and be gracious toward ourselves.
• After the fact, we can review how we coped, determine what we can learn from it, and be conscious of having options on how we might want to choose to do something differently the next time.
• Since we cannot change the past, it would be wise to accept what took place and focus on what we can learn from it and apply the learning the next time a similar situation comes up.