Tips on Life in Small Bites

Setting Realistic Expectations Outline: Expectations – What Are They Expectations Toward Ourselves Transference Expectations Toward Others Expectations Toward God Expectations Toward Life Others’ Expectations Toward Us How to Manage Expectations  Setting Realistic Expectations Expectations – What Are They Definition: The act or state of looking forward or anticipating. (Dictionary.com) Our World View sets up our expectations toward life. Our expectations come from our life experiences. We all have expectations toward ourselves, toward others, toward life and toward God. We sometimes are not aware of our expectations and find we have them, after we become disappointed or upset with an unexpected outcome. We do not have the right to make others meet our expectations when our expectations have not been verbalized, discussed, and agreed upon with the other. We have no control over anyone else and only have control over our own expectations. Being aware of our expectations gives us powe...

Tackling Negative Self-Talk Outline: Self-Talk Origins of Our Self-Talk Connection to Our Core Beliefs Acknowledge it Combat it Soul Ties Cut Off Ungodly Soul Ties Replace it Self-Talk We hear a “script” running in our head, sometimes narrating what’s going on, sometimes accusing/condemning us and other times comforting us. It represents our view toward life/world view/expectations toward life. Origins of Our Self-Talk Our expectations toward life are informed by our observations and experiences. We could have heard someone saying certain things about us; about them; about life in general – and if we’ve heard it from our family of origin (especially from our parents), we tend to embrace them without much conscious awareness or questioning. A lot of our self-talk came from our Core Beliefs. Connection to Our Core Beliefs Our Core Beliefs came from our earliest experiences as infants – before we had words. We unconsciously “reason” our experiences to “make sense” of them – even thoug...

Repetition Compulsion, Secondary Gains, Sublimation & Overcoming Core Beliefs Repetition Compulsion • Our unresolved issues reside in our unconscious. • We unconsciously repeat the same dynamic from our unresolved issues/relationships in our present/ensuing relationships, in our effort to undo/make alright the original relationship. • We find ourselves attracted to friends and relationships/find ourselves in situations that have similar dynamics with our unresolved original relationships. • These situations/relationship dynamics generate “familiar feelings” in us. • Since the present relationship is not the original relationship, doesn’t matter how much we try to fix our present relationship of the same ilk, the original relationship cannot be fixed in this present one.  • This operates from our unconscious; it is not intentional, so we ought not “blame” ourselves for it. • Example A: A person grew up with a mother who was narcissistic (unable to separate onself f...

CORE BELIEFS Outline: Core Beliefs  Stages of Grief Forgiveness – Purpose and the How To’s We Get to Start Anew Core Beliefs Core Beliefs are our infant mind’s ways of observing and understanding the world. Since infants don’t have words, our unconscious (the seat of our emotions) are “recording” whatever happens to us in order to “make sense” of them. However, since logic is shaped by words, but we don’t yet have words, our infant experiences inform us what we are to “expect” from the world/our life. For the rest of our life, we look for “proofs” in our life to validate and reinforce our Core Beliefs: It’s like an industrial sized HUGE and POWERFUL magnet, scanning our environment and experiences to pick up all “proofs” and vestiges to prove our Core Beliefs. The example of my 50’s patient who lived with stage four breast cancer for ten years: Her Core Belief was that she’d be abandoned, even when reality was contrary to this belief. The example of “Pseudo-independence” from an in...

Staying in the Moment Outline : Spiritual Perspective on Time Moments The Past The Present The Future God’s Sovereignty How to Stay in the Moment BONUS: Exercises To Help Release Stress Spiritual Perspective on Time God is the God of eternity: He existed from the beginning and will continue to exist for eternity. God saw our unformed body even before the foundation of the world was set (Ephesians 1:4a; Psalm 139:15,16); In God’s eyes, we “existed” even though our bodies were not yet formed. Because God is a spirit, and He made us as spiritual beings, we will all live eternally. The difference is where we will live in eternity: In God’s presence, aka, heaven; or outside of His presence, aka, hell. Moments Each moment comes, and each moment ends. There are moments we like/enjoy, and moments we dread/dislike/hate. Moments do not last forever. We can experience “long moments” and “shorter moments.” All moments pass. The Past We have no control over the past, for the past is the past: The s...

 At All Cost, Avoid Resentment Outline: • Guilt  • Shame • Expectations • Resentment • How to Manage Resentment Guilt • Guilt is a feeling. • All feelings come and go: they don’t last forever. • True Guilt is when we have actually done wrong: Cheating on a test; cheating on/betraying a significant other; stealing; behaving in such a way that did actual physical/environmental harm to other; acting in abusive way toward others and toward others’ belongings, etc. • False Guilt is when we don’t meet the expectation of others or of ourselves, and feel bad as a result. • False Guilt is a mask for the anger we feel toward others for having their expectations toward us. This could include our own expectations toward ourselves. • When someone is actively trying to make us feel guilty, they are acting manipulatively. Shame • Shame is a feeling. It is usually a response to feeling of guilt. • Shame usually comes from some sort of interaction with an unmet expect...

Aggressiveness, Assertiveness, Passive-Aggressiveness and Passivity OUTLINE: Aggressiveness Assertiveness Passive-Aggressiveness Passivity Assertiveness in Action AGGRESSIVENESS Definition: Marked by combative readiness. Interpersonal Aggressiveness is when a person is combative and usually acting out of anger, insisting on one’s way or opinion, forcing others to hear their opinion and/or do what they want. Sometimes the person feels wronged, unseen, unheard or hurt, and feels the only way they can get their idea across is by being loud in volume and/or in their verbiage. Sometimes a person is motivated by their sense of (self-)righteousness, or think they’re acting out of “righteous indignation” and desiring to right a wrong. Aggression alienates others.  Others tend to dismiss what an angry person might be trying to communicate: The communication gets categorized as “anger” and the message is lost and goes unheard. ASSERTIVENESS Definition: Bold self-confidence in expression of o...