Repetition Compulsion, Secondary Gains, Sublimation & Overcoming Core Beliefs

Repetition Compulsion

• Our unresolved issues reside in our unconscious.

• We unconsciously repeat the same dynamic from our unresolved issues/relationships in our present/ensuing relationships, in our effort to undo/make alright the original relationship.

• We find ourselves attracted to friends and relationships/find ourselves in situations that have similar dynamics with our unresolved original relationships.

• These situations/relationship dynamics generate “familiar feelings” in us.

• Since the present relationship is not the original relationship, doesn’t matter how much we try to fix our present relationship of the same ilk, the original relationship cannot be fixed in this present one. 

• This operates from our unconscious; it is not intentional, so we ought not “blame” ourselves for it.

• Example A: A person grew up with a mother who was narcissistic (unable to separate onself from others; saw the world through the lens of how she might be viewed by others; needed to be needed in order to feel good about herself; needed to control her family members’ behaviors in order to keep her “reputation” and appear good to others at all times). This person found herself in relationships with a best friend and eventually marrying someone who had similar traits. 

• Example B: A person grew up being hit by her parents as a form of “discipline.” Whenever her parents hit her, they told her it was because they loved her that’s why they had to discipline her. She grew up and got into a relationship with someone who initially paid her a lot of attention and wanted to be with her all the time, taking really good care of her. Eventually he started to hit her for various “reasons.” She finally breaks up with him, but only to end up in another relationship with someone who later on ended up hitting her, and the cycle repeats over and over.

• The way we can steer clear of Repetition Compulsion is by identifying similarities of the present situation/relationship from the past unresolved relationship. In Example B, while this woman would find a good guy “boring,” she’d do well to steer clear of guys who paid her so much attention who turn out to be controlling, and focus her energy on a good “boring” guy, in order to stop repeating this cycle.

Secondary Gains

• Secondary Gains are the “psychological rewards” that keep us repeating same behavioral patterns we do not like.

• These take place in our unconscious.

• Once we can identify our Secondary Gains (making conscious what’s in the unconscious), we gain perspective and better control to give them up for healthier behavioral patterns.

• Example A: A person is attentive to lots of friends, and many would refer to her as their best friend. However, she didn’t open up to them and hardly went to them with her needs, so she didn’t feel like she had a best friend with whom she could lean on. Her Secondary Gains were that she was needed, was a good friend, and was respected by others, even as she felt the lack of mutual friendships.

• Example B: A person finds himself getting sick often. Consciously, he doesn’t like being sick as it doesn’t feel good and he feels more pressure from the work that are left undone. Since he never feels entitled to take a break or relax, when he’s sick however, he feels it was “okay” to stop and rest. Thus, being sick “earns” him the right to relax and not work. This is his Primary Gain. Underlying this, he finds that when he’s sick, his family would attend to him and dote on him, thus making him feel loved, taken cared of and pampered – this is his Secondary Gain: to be taken cared of and doted on, which he is not conscious of.

Sublimation

• Sublimation is “transforming” something that’s negative into something that’s deemed acceptable and even applauded by the society.

• Example: A recovering anorexic who used to count calories all the time and obsessed with what she ate throughout the day, now owns a wellness retreat center where she gets to help others with their health by counting their calories and formulating healthy meal plans.

Practical Ways to Heal from Our Core Beliefs

1. Take notice when we feel offended/hurt by someone.

2. Acknowledge when what’s going on in the moment is causing us to have a strong reaction.

3. Identify how the present situation and/or the present person is reminding us of someone from our past.

4. Assess if the present situation is a Repetition Compulsion ~ is the dynamic “familiar” to us?

5. Choose to forgive the offender/the person with whom we have unresolved issues from our past.

6. Separate the offender of our past from the person who is offending us in the present.

7. Acknowledge our anger and hurt in the present: Don’t deny it or suppress it.

8. Go to God to vent our anger and hurt: “The righteous will be glad when they are avenged,

 when they dip their feet in the blood of the wicked. 11 Then people will say, “Surely the righteous still are rewarded;   surely there is a God who judges the earth” (Psalm 58:10-11).

9. Choose to forgive the present offender to take back the control of our hurt.

10. Stay in the moment. Do not pile the offender/offense from the past to the present offender/offense.

11. Seek counsel from others who are more objective in the situation to get their perspective on what is really going on (without defaming or gossiping about the offender).

12. Choose to operate from a clean slate, in the here and now.

13. Take notice of how the offender acts/is like and adjust our expectations toward the person so we don’t repeatedly get hurt by them: “Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me.”

14. We cannot change others, but we can control/change our expectations of others.

15. Choose to love the way God loves: “4 Love is patient, love is kind…it keeps no record of wrongs…7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13: 4, 5, 7).

16. Use wisdom on how to love the offender: love them from afar?

17. Be on the lookout for Repetition Compulsion and steer clear of situations/people that cause us to be drawn into similar dynamics from our past. 

18. If we find ourselves having a hard time letting go of this unhealthy/unhelpful relationship or dynamic, identify the Secondary Gains that are pinning us in this situation.

19. Choose to “give up” our Secondary Gains and find healthier replacement for them, sometimes through Sublimation.