At All Cost, Avoid Resentment

Outline:

• Guilt 
• Shame
• Expectations
• Resentment
• How to Manage Resentment

Guilt

• Guilt is a feeling.

• All feelings come and go: they don’t last forever.

• True Guilt is when we have actually done wrong: Cheating on a test; cheating on/betraying a significant other; stealing; behaving in such a way that did actual physical/environmental harm to other; acting in abusive way toward others and toward others’ belongings, etc.

• False Guilt is when we don’t meet the expectation of others or of ourselves, and feel bad as a result.

• False Guilt is a mask for the anger we feel toward others for having their expectations toward us. This could include our own expectations toward ourselves.

• When someone is actively trying to make us feel guilty, they are acting manipulatively.

Shame

• Shame is a feeling. It is usually a response to feeling of guilt.

• Shame usually comes from some sort of interaction with an unmet expectation toward ourself. 

• Shame causes us to shrink/pull away from the reason/source of our shameful feeling.

• Shame negatively affects our relationships with others, with God and with ourselves.

• When someone is trying to shame us, they are acting judgmentally/critically/ manipulatively.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10) – Holy Spirit’s conviction causes us to make a 180-degree turn, which leads to reconciliation of relationship with God and with others, without us feeling condemned or ashamed. Worldly sorrow is condemnation from Satan, which causes us to feel ashamed and pull back from God and from others: “Death” of relationships.

Expectations

• We all have expectations toward ourselves, toward others, toward life and toward God.

• We sometimes are not aware of our expectations and find we have them after we became disappointed or upset with an unexpected outcome.

• We do not have the right to make others meet our expectations when the expectations have not been verbalized, discussed, and agreed upon with the other.

• We have no control over anyone else and only have control over our own expectations.

• Being aware of our expectations gives us power/control over our own mental and interpersonal health and mindset.

Resentment

• Feelings of anger and disappointments are not sinful - they’re just feelings. “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26); aka: Anger is fine, resentment isn’t, as resentment is holding on to the grudge, allowing a foothold to sap us of life and joy.

• Resentment can tear at the fabric of a relationship.

• Resentment comes from unmet expectations.

• We are solely responsible for our feelings of resentment: Others are not.

• When we manage our resentment, we are protecting our relationship with others.

How to Manage Resentment

We have control over whether we give into resentment.
• Understand that whenever we “go above and beyond” in our actions/motivations/intentions, we’d unconsciously expect something in return.

• Be cognizant of what we are hoping to gain from any action/decision before we do them.

• It’d be wise to NOT go above and beyond in a relationship/interaction if there’s a possibility that the person will not respond to us the way we wish or hope for.

• We choose to sit with our feelings of False Guilt when we don’t meet our own/other’s expectation toward us, and DO NOT do something that we might feel resentful afterwards.

• Look for what we would gain before we do anything: Gaining of something personally or interpersonally.

• There is no such thing as “real altruism” – Even Jesus went on the cross because He knew that He’d gain us! “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2).

• We ADJUST OUR EXPECTATIONS before we go above and beyond in any situation: Do something only if we’d enjoy/gain something from our action - We’re doing it for ourselves, not for others - although they might benefit from our behavior/action.