Aggressiveness, Assertiveness, Passive-Aggressiveness and Passivity

OUTLINE:

• Aggressiveness
• Assertiveness
• Passive-Aggressiveness
• Passivity
• Assertiveness in Action

AGGRESSIVENESS

• Definition: Marked by combative readiness.
• Interpersonal Aggressiveness is when a person is combative and usually acting out of anger, insisting on one’s way or opinion, forcing others to hear their opinion and/or do what they want.
• Sometimes the person feels wronged, unseen, unheard or hurt, and feels the only way they can get their idea across is by being loud in volume and/or in their verbiage.
• Sometimes a person is motivated by their sense of (self-)righteousness, or think they’re acting out of “righteous indignation” and desiring to right a wrong.
• Aggression alienates others. 
• Others tend to dismiss what an angry person might be trying to communicate: The communication gets categorized as “anger” and the message is lost and goes unheard.

ASSERTIVENESS

• Definition: Bold self-confidence in expression of opinion.
• Interpersonal Assertiveness is speaking up for what one believes, feels, wants or desires.
• The listener gets to understand the speaker’s thoughts, ideas and desires without feeling alienated by the speaker.
• One’s voice is being clearly communicated without manipulating or forcing the listener to do what the speaker wants.
• It gives others the option to listen, understand, decide what they want to do in light of the speaker’s sharing.
• It does not require others to comply with what the speaker wants.
• It respects that the listener might have a different opinion and accepts their difference of opinions.
• It communicates that the relationship is more important than the speaker’s opinions, desires and wants.
• One might not back down in their opinion, desire or wants when the listener refuses to listen or discuss what’s being shared - but they do so respectfully.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS

• Definition: Being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness).
• In interpersonal relationships, the person comes across as if they are in agreement/compliant/cooperative - but with an attitude.
• While the person is cooperating in action, their negative feelings are very clear: They are in a bad mood; they might be complaining throughout the activity; they challenge whatever is being said or done; they procrastinate and are slow to follow through with what they’ve “agreed” on.
• The person usually doesn’t want to disappoint others, and doesn’t know how to say “no,” but resents having to comply.
• “Narcissistic Defense” is when we don’t share our negative thoughts and feelings, thinking that we are protecting others from our negative feelings. When in actuality, we are protecting ourselves from the others’ possible backlash toward us for us sharing our negative feelings.
• So, when Narcissistic Defense is at work, this person is uncomfortable sharing their own desires/opinions and begrudgingly comply.

PASSIVITY

• Definition: Not active or operating: inert; lacking in energy or will.
• In interpersonal relationships, the person doesn’t take initiative; “agrees” with everything; has no opinions; is almost always compliant.
• Someone might be passive on an issue/subject/topic because they have different priorities, so they really do not care to make a decision on this particular issue.
• Some passive people tend to “react” to other’s opinions, as they need their mind’s “pump to be primed.” 
• Some extreme passive people don’t know what they want and rely on others to come up with suggestions and ideas all the time.
• The passive person might not want the responsibility of making a decision, especially if the outcome turns out poorly.
• This can either make the other person feel they can get away with anything (which the person might actually like), or, the other person can feel the brunt/pressure of having to make all the decisions.
• The other person can feel like they are being asked to over-function and experience the passive person as “dead-weight” sometimes.
• The passive person could have had bad experience of speaking up for what they wanted and not getting it, or being punished for wanting something, so they protect themselves and “have no opinion.”
• Narcissistic Defense can be very active in the passive person.

ASSERTIVENESS IN ACTION

• “Meekness is power under control.”
• Know what you desire (wish for), want (would like), or need (must have).
• Decide beforehand how much you might want to push for what you are asking: Is it a “must have,” or a “would like,” or a “wish?”
• Be clear in communicating you need, want or desire.
• Be firm and defined when sharing. 
• Be calm and rational when sharing.
• Be gracious when sharing: Not trying to scold, correct, induce guilt, put down or criticize the other when sharing your desire, want or need.
• Asking vs Demanding: When one asks for what one wants, the listener has a choice to give or refuse what’s being asked. When one demands something, the listener feels threatened if they don’t comply; they feel they don’t have a choice or a say in the matter.
• Be prepared to receive a “no” in response and accept it graciously.
• Be ready to “agree to disagree” since the other person isn’t our clone.
• “Prepare for the worst while hoping for the best” in order to manage our expectations and possible disappointments – without feeling hopeless/depressed.
• If it’s a “must have,” we would do well to reassess a relationship that isn’t able to meet our needs.
• If it’s a “would like,” we can choose to continue to negotiate with the other person and hope to come to a compromise, while being ready to still receive a “no.”
• If it’s a “wish for,” we’d do well to be willing to let it go, as it’s “icing on the cake” and not the most important aspect of the relationship.
• In relationships, we can be firm in what we need from the other person and not back down: When the listener refuses to listen rationally, communicate or negotiate, we might do well to adjust our expectation toward the listener and about this relationship.
• We only have control over our own expectations: Toward ourselves and toward others. When the person refuses to work with us, we can choose to distance ourselves from them (not out of punishment or manipulation) in order to adjust our expectations of this relationship.
• Sometimes, we would do well to love another person from a distance because they are unable to meet our needs.
• Reminder: The Five Tenets of a Good Relationship are: 1) Ability to be vulnerable with one another; 2) Ability to empathize with the other, especially when one is being vulnerable; 3) Ability to love when it’s inconvenient (loving sacrificially); 4) Ability to resolve conflicts (including agreeing to disagree and not getting what we might want or desire); 5) Commitment to the relationship.