Key to a Fulfilling Life – Part One

Do Not Take Offense

Outline

• Introduction
• The Offender’s Perspective
• Possible Unhelpful Responses
• Our Alternative Choices
• Practical Steps

Introduction

All humans are flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. People will hurt or disappoint us. We are bound to hurt and disappoint others. 

Hopefully, the hurt incurred is not intentional. Regardless of the motivation/intention for the hurt incurred, the recipient experiences its harm. 

Hurt is inevitable; suffering is optional.

The Offender’s Perspective

Most offenders have moved on after doing their damage. They had a “moment” of bad mood, a flash of anger, out of control of their emotions, giving into their feelings and taking them out on others, making a poor choice, temper tantrum, venting of their feelings, giving into their sadistic emotions, identification with the aggressor, emotional dysregulation, wanting others to feel how bad they felt, etc. 

Most of the time, the offender does not recall or is in denial of the harm they have done to others. If they are aware that they have hurt someone, they might feel bad for a moment and move on. If they feel bad, they will either shrink away in shame or apologize for their actions. 

Possible Unhelpful Responses

We have a choice on how we might want to respond to the hurt the offender has done to us. 

• We could embrace the pain and view ourselves as powerless victims, soaking and marinating in it. We could nurse the pain and perpetuate the damage done to us. We could place ourselves in a prison of unforgiveness and resentment and have difficulty moving on in life.
• We could allow ourselves to get stuck and be immobilized in our grief and pain, missing out on the goodness that exists in the rest of our lives. 
• Sometimes, our hurt reinforces our Core Belief that bad things happen to us, or that we are damaged intrinsically, thus the continued harm we experience. This can lead to a “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” where we continue to unconsciously attract situations that would cause similar wounds.
• We could waste our time plotting revenge, as we feel compelled to get back at the offender. 
• We hold on to the grudge, thinking that it would punish the offender. Meanwhile, the offender is clueless about the harm they have caused and unaware of our magical thinking that they would be punished by our unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness is us drinking the poison, hoping to harm our offender.

Our Alternative Choices

• We can choose to take back the power robbed from us when the offender did what they did to us.
• We do so by choosing to move on from the hurt we experienced.
• We choose to stop the bleeding and the pain caused by the offender.
• We choose to let go of the offense.
• We choose not to take on the offense, not to allow ourselves to waste our time, energy, effort, and the mental agony that comes with getting offended.

Practical Steps

• Do not take ourselves too seriously.
• Realize it is not all about us when people offend us: Someone might be honking their car horn at some other driver.
• We might have contributed to the other person’s frustration: We could have inadvertently scared the other driver, and they honked their car horn out of their fear.
• View the offender as having a bad moment, a bad day, or lacking in self-control. It is their problem, not ours.
• Address our contribution to an unpleasant situation and take ownership for what we have done.
• Ask for forgiveness from the other when we are at fault. 
• Choose to forgive ourselves for our mistakes.
• Know that “hurting people hurt people.” When an offender hurts us, extend empathy to them, knowing that they, too, are hurting.
• Extend grace to others as we wish they would toward us.
• Be confident in how we showed up in the situation and our intentions. For Example, I asked the optometrist why my eyeglasses looked scratched. He did not know that I was vigilant about making sure I never placed my eyeglasses lens down on surfaces and said it must be because I had done so. Since I knew how vigilant I was with my eyeglasses, I did not bother to explain myself to him and did not get offended: He did not know me, and I was not about to give him the energy to defend myself. His opinions were textbook versus my reality. 
• Choose to release ourselves from our prison of unforgiveness, where we are the ones suffering instead of the offender. 
• We do this by choosing to forgive.
• Forgiveness is a choice, and the feeling will eventually follow.
• Be quick to forgive, knowing that the sooner we let go of the offense, the sooner we will regain our equilibrium and shalom.
• While we choose to forgive the offender, wisdom dictates we remember their behavior, to avoid placing ourselves back into a situation where we could be harmed again.
• Visualize being a duck: Their oiled feathers cause water to bead up and flow off their back, preventing them from becoming waterlogged and dragged down.
• Choose to let go of the offense by not even taking it on in the first place.