Seven Keys to Rewarding Relationships

INTRODUCTION:

After being married 36 years to my soulmate, we have learned a few keys to live out Shalom in our relationship. This was not the case for all our marriage, especially the first five to ten years, where we were locked in power-struggles, needing to prove ourselves right and the other wrong. It was an either me or you situation. Many times, we were enemies of one another. At one point, I yelled at him, “One of us must die for this marriage to end. It could be me or you, either one would do!”

We spent (wasted) hours and days on end, trying to prove why, and “process” interactions we found hurtful. 

We laugh now, but back then, it truly felt critical to us, as if our lives depended on it.

This is not limited to marital or familial relationships. We can apply these concepts to all relationships.

Key # 1: Do Not Take Offense – Extend Grace Instead

When the other person says or does something that we find offensive, we can either take on the offense and allow it to hurt us and cause us to feel misunderstood, wronged, unseen, unheard, judged, criticized, angry, vengeful, etc. Or, we can choose to be confident in ourself that we do not deserve their reaction. We separate ourself from the other person, knowing where we end and the other person starts. 

I used to get offended when my husband gave me the impression that I was going to be careless and break his belongings when I asked to borrow it. I realized that it had to do with him feeling not being in control of the item – because he was not, since I am the one using it – and it did not have to be an indictment against my character. 

When someone honks the car horn as I pass and drive in front of them - I know I have the reputation of driving like a New York City taxi driver - the person is scared by my driving. I do not need to get upset for their honking, because I probably did scare them. Even if the other driver was a nervous driver, and was anxious by me passing them, they are entitled to express their feelings through honking, and I can choose to not take offense. 

We can choose empathy: Putting ourselves in the other’s shoes.

We can choose to validate the other person’s feelings.

There is enough room for both the other person and us to feel our feelings and to have our individual experiences. It does not have to be an “either/or” situation; rather, it is “this-and” situation.

Key # 2: Do Not Prove We are in the Right and They are in the Wrong

No one likes to be proven wrong. It is embarrassing and humiliating. When a person has been proven guilty, they shrink from others, especially from the person who proved them wrong. 

I remind my patients that marital therapy is not the court of law. When we “win” by proving ourself “right,” the other person feels humiliated and withdraws - so we have “won the battle but lost the war.”

Key # 3: Do Not Make Assumptions

To ASSUME is to make “an ASS out of U and ME.”

Do not assume what the other person’s motivation is. Making assumption is usually coming from our projection: Assuming the other person feels or reacts the way we would. Meanwhile, the other person is not us, and are entitled to have their own feelings, reasoning and reactions.

We cannot read anyone’s mind, so we cannot know for certain what their motivations might be.

Respect the other person as a separate individual, just as we would appreciate being known for the unique person that we are.

Key # 4: Do Over-Communicate

When we are in a relationship for the first few years, it is good to share how we feel impacted by what the other person has said/didn’t say or done/didn’t do - so we can learn one another - as no one can read anyone’s mind. 

It is important to communicate and negotiate our expectations toward one another. Expectations need to be realistic, do-able, communicated clearly, and agreed upon. Otherwise, it is our wishful or magical thinking that the other person can read our mind, agree with, and do whatever we like them to.

When we feel surprised by the other’s interaction with us, we can adopt a Curious Mindset and ask them to elucidate their action/words/behavior. We do this with objectivity and gentleness, with the goal of understanding the other person better.

We say, “I’m curious about what I am seeing…”

When we feel disappointed or hurt, or disrespected by the other’s interaction with us, we can own our feeling of confusion and ask them what they meant by what they said/didn’t say; did/didn’t do. 

We say, “I feel puzzled about what I am experiencing from our interaction…”

Key # 5: Know When to Let it Go

After discussing and checking in with the other person with whom we felt curious or puzzled by, it is prudent to let the subject drop. 

Do not beat a dead horse. If a person is not open to examining themselves or not ready to own up to their fault, do not beat them down. It usually only causes more defensiveness, humiliation, withdrawal or entrenchment in their stance. 

State how we feel and are affected in our interaction with them. Empathize with their feelings. Validate their viewpoint. Offer to revisit the subject matter later – when they are ready.

“Do not throw pearls before swine” – We do not need to waste our effort or time to share our wisdom with someone who is not ready to hear us.

When we realize that we are in a heated or deadlock situation with another person, we can ask to use the Listening Check to ensure that each party has heard what the other person is trying to state. We then move on to addressing the Emotional Message we perceived from the other person’s sharing. See blogpost on "Emotional Messages Beyond Listening Check"

Once this is done, we can drop the subject matter - sometimes agreeing to disagree, sometimes to empathize and validate the other person’s perspective and feelings.

Nowadays, often, my husband and I start a sentence when we want to “iron out” a misunderstanding or hurt, and we’d drop it in mid-sentence, knowing that we have addressed the issue in the past, and the other person is just in a bad mood. 

There is no need to take everything seriously, especially when we know the other person tends to revert to unhealthy/unhelpful interactions when they are tired, or hungry, or sleepy, or stressed. We choose to extend grace, knowing the other person will quickly regret their behavior, and the bad moment will pass.

Key # 6 Do Not Lecture or Nag: Keeping No Record of Wrong

Lecturing or nagging the other person makes them feel humiliated and resentful, which pushes the other person away from us.

Extend grace and refrain from saying, “I’ve told you so.” No one likes to have their fault rubbed in their face.

Keeping no record of wrongs helps us not to feel resentful. We choose to live each moment as if it were the first occurrence, so each party can have a fresh start every time.

Even though we forgive for our own peace of mind, we don’t forget how someone acted before - we just adjust what we expect from them going forward.

Key # 7: Set Clear Boundaries and Tow the Line

Clearly state what we are willing to accept and not accept in our relationship with the person. 

While we cannot change or control the other person, including whether they would respect our boundaries, it is incumbent on us to follow through with our expressed boundaries.

After having told the other person that we will not accept the person putting us down, we physically walk away from the person who is putting us down - so to not continue to subject ourselves to the situation.

If someone keeps hurting us - even after having addressed the behavior previously – it is important to let them know how it makes us feel each time. We tweak our boundaries toward the person; sometimes it could include us removing ourselves from the person.

SUMMARY:

Rewarding relationships with others are possible. We can choose to extend grace, set clear boundaries, and maintain healthy communication in relationships. It is wise to avoid lecturing or keeping records of wrongs and take responsibility for our actions while letting go of what is beyond our control. By choosing not to take offense and communicating expectations clearly, we can obtain respectful and constructive relationships with others.