Overthinking

Outline:

• What Overthinking Looks Like 
• Functions of Overthinking
• Addressing Overthinking

What Overthinking Looks Like 

It is natural for us to recall what happened to us. It is when this recollection of what took place repeats over and over, and consumes our mind and energy, that we label it as “Overthinking.”

• Unable to let go of the same or similar thoughts about what took place.
• Replaying what went on, repeatedly.
• Regretting what happened, as we repeatedly replay what took place.
• Continual desire to re-do what took place.
• Continual daydreaming about or wishful thinking for how something could have gone instead.
• Tendency to plan for how we could do things differently going forward.
• Tendency to analyze or assign motives behind someone else’s words or actions.
• Inability to accept interactions with others at face value, as we think people mean something different than what they say.
• Tendency to “read between the lines,” trying to figure out what others “actually meant” by what they said or did.

Functions of Overthinking

• A Coping Mechanism to help us make sense of a negative interaction we had. 
• A desire to have a sense of control over our lives by planning what we could do differently in a similar situation in the future.
• A way of consoling ourselves as we analyze what happened, including assigning reasons for why others interacted the way they did with us: This either comforts us, or it could demonize the other person.
• A desire for reassurance that we are not being rejected or looked down upon or negatively viewed or thought of.
• Confirmation of our core beliefs, e.g., “Bad things happen to me often, just like this experience;” “People don’t like me;” “People think I’m dumb/a fool…” Blog post on Core Beliefs
• Validation of our negative feelings, e.g., “I am feeling terrible because of what this and other similar incidents have happened.”

Addressing Overthinking 

• Identify the functions of our overthinking.
• Acknowledge and accept the reasons we are overthinking: Make friends with our unconscious, as our unconscious needs to be embraced, vs fought against. Blog post on Conscious, Subconscious, and the Unconscious
• Assess whether this overthinking is serving us in the situation.
• When we discern that this overthinking is not serving us, we can choose to embrace the present moment and let go of the past: The past has passed, and we cannot rewind time to undo something; the future is in God’s hands, as we do not have control over what will take place; all we have is the present moment. Blog post on "Staying in the Moment"
• Tackle our perseverating thoughts with reality by choosing to take people at their words and stop assigning meaning or motives behind their words, or “read between the lines.”
• Choose to let go of control of the future and embrace the present reality, while giving space to feel our negative feelings.
• Acknowledge that we cannot read people’s minds, and we do not know others’ motives. When we insist on assigning motives to others’ words or actions, we are making ourselves “God,” as only He knows everyone’s thoughts and motives.
• Acknowledge that when we assign others motives, we might be projecting onto them what we believe about ourselves. Blog post on Coping/Defense Mechanisms (Part 1)
• Address our projection by acknowledging where we end and others start: Separate our feelings toward ourselves from others’ feelings toward themselves or toward us.
• Acknowledge that we might not be “important enough” to others that they would be thinking or harboring thoughts toward us; We might be viewing ourselves as overly important to others when we think others are even thinking or judging or criticizing us in their minds. Or that they are still thinking about us long after an interaction with us has ended.
• “It’s not all about us.” People have their bad and good days, and they might be showing up poorly due to their own issues and stresses that have little or nothing to do with us. 
• Realize that often when we don’t let go of the negative interaction we had, it is we who are torturing ourselves, as the offender has more than likely moved on. 
• Replace our negative beliefs about ourselves and others, with their opposite, positive ones. For example, replace: “People are laughing at me because I am stupid/a fool,” or, “…because people don’t like me/they have something against me” with: “People who look down on me think they’re something when they’re not;” “People are entitled to think what they think, and what they think don’t make me, me;” “…I can’t please everyone and everyone isn’t going to like me all the time, just as I don’t like others all the time. Each person is entitled to feel how they feel, and if they are holding a grudge against me, it’s on them!”