Emotional Messages Beyond Listening Checks


  • What Are Emotional Messages
  • Hearing Each Other Out: Listening Check
  • Going Beyond Listening Check
  • Next Steps to Resolve Misaligned Emotional Message 


What Are Emotional Messages 

  • Emotional Messages are the non-verbal/underlying messages we receive from the Speaker. 
  • The Emotional Message one receives is more important than what’s actually being said.
  • It is the Emotional Message that we walk away from our interactions with others that molds and shapes our view of the relationship, of each other, and sometimes, of ourselves.
  • Examples: 
    • The parent says to their teen: “Put on a jacket when you go outside so you don’t catch a cold.” 
    • The teen hears it as: You’re nagging me; You’re trying to control me; You don’t believe I am capable of making my own decisions on what’s best for me.”  
    • The parent’s actual intended message could have been: “I love you and don’t want you to catch a cold; I want to protect you from getting sick; I don’t want you to be disappointed that you wouldn’t be able to enjoy this upcoming activity you’ve been looking forward to, if you got sick; I don’t want to have to take care of you when you get sick, when it could’ve been avoidable.”
    • Our friend says to us: “Sorry that I can’t make it to our next activity, and would have to cancel.” 
    • We might hear it as: My friend has something better to do than to spend time with me; I am being rejected by my friend; I am not as important to my friend as their other activity; I am not good enough for my friend; my friend is unreliable; my friend only said yes to our activity out of obligation, they really didn’t want to spend time with me to start with. 
    • Our friend’s intended message could have been: “I feel guilty for having to cancel our time together; I am so sorry that I double booked; I feel powerless that my parents/this other obligation is making me lose out on our time together; I hate having to miss out on our time together; I feel guilty for having to cancel out on our time together; I hope to get out of our plan since I wasn’t crazy about it to start with, etc”


Hearing Each Other Out: Listening Checks

  • Everyone wants to be SEEN, HEARD, UNDERSTOOD, ACCEPTED, and LOVED unconditionally.
  • Listening Check is the easiest/surest way to help the listener feel heard by us.
  • It demonstrates that we are not just “hearing” what the speaker is saying, but we’re actually paying attention to what’s being said.
  • Practicing Listening Check can help both parties to feel heard, and move on to “agreeing to disagree” with one another.
  • It is helpful to use this tool especially when we are in a heated disagreement with another person: We can ask for a “pause” during heated argument and ask for a Listening Check.
  • It is the least “threatening” way of interacting with anyone.


Going Beyond Listening Check

  • After the Speaker has shared and the Listener has done a Listening Check, the Listener gets to share the “Emotional/underlying message” they received from the Speaker.
  • The Speaker indicates whether it was the intended message.
  • If it wasn’t the intended message, the Speaker states their intended message.
  • The Speaker then asks the Listener how they could’ve tweaked what they said so their intended message can be more accurately received.
  • The Speaker repeats/restates what the Listener needed to hear from the Speaker as directed by the Listener.


Next Steps to Resolve Misaligned Emotional Message 

  • When we are surprised or frustrated by the message we perceived by the Speaker, we can ask the Speaker if the emotional message we perceived was their actual intended message.
  • We then offer to the Speaker what they could’ve said that would help them to succeed in communicating their intended message.


  • When we are surprised by the Listener’s reaction to what we’re saying, we can ask the Listener what message they received by our sharing.
  • We then ask the Listener how we could have phrased our intended message such that they could receive what we meant to relay.
  • We repeat/restate our intended message by using the words and phrases the Listener is coaching us with.


  • It is always wise to do the above with a neutral, curious and gentle stance so the other person doesn’t feel challenged, accused or attacked. Remember: Honey attracts bees, but vinegar sours the teeth.


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