Tips on Life in Small Bites

Aggressiveness, Assertiveness, Passive-Aggressiveness and Passivity OUTLINE: Aggressiveness Assertiveness Passive-Aggressiveness Passivity Assertiveness in Action AGGRESSIVENESS Definition: Marked by combative readiness. Interpersonal Aggressiveness is when a person is combative and usually acting out of anger, insisting on one’s way or opinion, forcing others to hear their opinion and/or do what they want. Sometimes the person feels wronged, unseen, unheard or hurt, and feels the only way they can get their idea across is by being loud in volume and/or in their verbiage. Sometimes a person is motivated by their sense of (self-)righteousness, or think they’re acting out of “righteous indignation” and desiring to right a wrong. Aggression alienates others.  Others tend to dismiss what an angry person might be trying to communicate: The communication gets categorized as “anger” and the message is lost and goes unheard. ASSERTIVENESS Definition: Bold self-confidence in expression of o...

Setting Healthy Boundaries BOUNDARIES Definition : Something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent ( Miriam Webster Dictionary ). Knowing Boundaries helps us to know where we end and where others start. Spatial Boundaries : The boundary line between two properties. Time Boundaries : Setting what we do with our time according to our priorities. There are only 24 hours in each day, how do we want to allocate our priorities/efforts/energy during this time limit? Physical Boundaries : Our body parts being separate from others’ body parts. Our body belongs to us and others’ bodies belong to them. Emotional Boundaries : Being able to separate our emotions from those of others ~ How we feel is how we feel; others are not responsible for our feelings just as we are not responsible for other’s feelings. Although how one interacts with another can “trigger”/contribute to other’s feelings. Interpersonal Boundaries : How we show up in our interactions with others. Do we respect others as separ...

Practical Ways of Coping with Emotions Outline: Feelings are to be Acknowledged, Felt, Respected, but NOT Necessarily Acted Upon Emotional Regulation Practical Ways to Deal with Our Negative Emotions: Feelings: Feelings are not logical, rational, nor “right/good” or “wrong/bad.” There are feelings we like (“positive feelings”) vs the ones we don’t like (“negative feelings”). Feelings are influenced by our thoughts and our physical sensations - as feelings, physical sensations and thoughts are located adjacent to one another in the brain, and they’re in constant communication with one another. Feelings are “sensations” without words, until our brain/conscious labels them. Feelings reside in our unconscious. Putting “words” to our feelings bring what’s in the unconscious to the conscious.  When we experience physical pain, the pain can “communicate” with our emotions, causing us to feel worse. These emotions can communicate with our thoughts that we will never feel better/always feel...

 Expectations Toward Our Spouse  As we do life we find that  We don't have much control over our life What happens to us What circumstances we find ourself in Many things are outside of our control However We do have control over Our expectations toward ourselves Our expectations toward others Our expectations toward life Our expectations toward God Since we cannot control Others or God We can exert our control over ourselves Our expectations Before we got married We thought we were marrying an orange Thick-skinned and juicy After we got married We found out that we actually married an apple Thin-skinned and crispy We have a choice here We can bemoan that we didn't get  the orange we expected a nd feel  Angry Sad Disappointed Cheated Fooled Disillusioned Bitter Resentful And accuse our spouse of having baited and switch on us Giving them the message that they are inadequate Making them feel discouraged and defeated Even giving up on trying to become  A bett...

Emotionally, All We Have is this Moment We are spiritual beings, and we will live forever spiritually Emotionally though We only have this moment The past is past and is gone No one has yet invented a time machine For us to travel back in time To undo what was done Or to do what was left undone The future is in God's hands Only God knows the end from the beginning He is Sovereign and is in control We do not have the power to control our future Nor do we have the power to change our past We only have this moment We only have some semblance of control  over this present moment Every moment passes The good moments don't last forever Neither do the bad moments Every moment comes to an end The actual control we have over this moment is How we view it What choice we make to cope with it When we fight against anxiety in this moment It triggers the onset and further severity of the anxiety It is more effective to embrace this anxious moment It takes away the sting and the strength  of...

As I shared my recommendations on how to deal with life with my patients in my private psychotherapy practice, some have asked if I've written these ideas somewhere so they don't have to take notes in the session, and can refer back to them afterwards. I realized that I tended to repeat similar recommendations to my patients as similar life circumstances came up.   As a Modern Psychoanalyst, I believe what Hyman Spotnitz said ( Paraphrased) : "It's the right emotional message, at the right time, at the right dose, that's curative." These small tips, one per blogpost, serve as "references" or "resources" to accompany therapy sessions, and are not meant to be "curative" on their own in any way... While insights are not curative, insights are helpful. It is my hope that these blog posts might be of some assistance to the reader in tackling with life - and thrive!